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Apr. 29th, 2012

My face

Graduation day.

So. I should really be in bed. Graduation is in like eight hours (less than, actually), and I really need to sleep, but I'm wide awake. A combination of severe anxiety and excitement seem to be keeping me up. Also, Mike got me this fancy bluetooth keyboard for my Playbook and I had to try it out before bed. I mean, since I can't sleep anyway.

I've shaved my legs and gotten myself mostly ready for the morning, but I never got around to painting my nails like I wanted. I have no idea why that's even important at the moment - or important enough to write about, anyway - but it is.

Spent the evening seeing "The Five-Year Engagement," which was an awesome movie. I challenge you to pick out the scene that was shot in front of Deja Vu, a mile from where I live. Seriously. It was a good movie, and it was nice having a night out with Mike. So yeah, there's that.

This post is fucking pointless, sorry. Ugh. I just can't sleep...

Apr. 25th, 2012

My face

I don't even know.

Graduation is in four days?

And I have no motivation for anything right now. Ugh.

Apr. 20th, 2012

My face

So.

My doctor put me on a medication today to treat my anxiety and depression. It's not going to work for three to four weeks, she says. What am I supposed to do until then?!

In other news, graduation is in nine days.

Apr. 9th, 2012

My face

I've been a fool and I've been blind.

It's always interesting where life will take you. I always had this very specific idea of how I wanted my life to turn out, and I'm finding that everything I thought I wanted, I'm not sure that I do anymore. So I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm almost done with school, my relationship is in a good place - these are the only two things I'm worried about at the moment. Everything else will fall into place after that.

Mar. 21st, 2012

My face

That familiar feeling.

Anxiety, how I hate you.

I really need medication to deal with this shit.

Mar. 13th, 2012

My face

I can feel the pressure.

Three and a half years. That's how long we've been together.

And in those three and a half years, the topic of marriage, in a serious context, has been brought up twice. And each time, he gets excited about it, and then when it comes time to actually start being serious, he panics.

At first, I didn't think too much of it. We're both young, it makes sense that we'd wait a bit longer before committing ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. For a while, it didn't really bother me, but the last few days... it's really been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. I think a lot of it had to do with our trip to the bar last Saturday, when we hung out with Clayton and Brittany, who are married, and Ryan, who was talking to us about how he's ready to propose to his girlfriend, and he's wanted to for a while.

And then the wheels started to turn and I've been playing back the last few months of my relationship, and I'm really starting to wonder where it's all heading. It ebbs and flows; we're fine for a while, then we're on the verge of breaking up. Then we're fine again for a while, but we always come back to the same conversation.

Does that conversation that we keep coming back to, perhaps, define our relationship?

And if it does, what does this mean for us?

I have no idea, honestly. I don't know what the answer is to either of those questions and, quite frankly, I don't want to think about it. I'm just so tired of him flaking out on me about everything. Not just the topic of marriage, but almost anything that concerns our relationship... but when I ask him if he wants to break up, as is what usually happens when we have serious fights like the one we had a couple weeks ago, he says "no."

I feel like a fucking yo-yo on a string.

Mar. 12th, 2012

My face

Trying to be an adult.

Assuming all my ducks are in a row and everything is as it should, and I graduate in April, I'm contemplating possible job opportunities. To be perfectly honest, I love my schedule as it is. I work for a couple hours in the morning, Monday through Friday, then I come home and relax. The problem is, I'm not really making much money, and I won't have student loan refunds to fall back on, so... I'm going to have to be a big girl, suck it up, and find a real job.

I'm thinking about looking into a paraprofessional job at my school, but those openings don't come around very often and they hired a few people last year for their open positions. One of my coworkers doesn't think there will be any openings, but she said I should go down to the special education office and talk to them about it, because you never know what they might say. And I've been an employee there for a while, so maybe that'll work in my favor. Maybe.

I'm also looking into applying at the state, since my mom says there are always openings in child protective services. I think she said there were eight openings in Washtenaw County the last time she checked, and I know the turnover at her office in Jackson is absolutely ridiculous. So, there's always that, but I'm worried I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of work environment. I also started poking around yesterday to see if there were any openings around here in the field of corrections; currently, there aren't, but that doesn't mean I can't apply. That's a possibility, too. But my mom likes to remind me how difficult corrections can be, but something tells me I would have a better time handling rowdy prisoners than abused children.

I guess we'll see as time progresses. Graduation is April 29, assuming I pass all my classes this semester. (Sadly, that's looking a little doubtful at the moment. I need to get my ass into gear, but senioritis is so hard to kick.) But, hopefully, by this time in two months, I'll be a real adult, all grown up and finished with my degree. Hopefully. I'm really fucking tired of going to school.

Feb. 24th, 2012

My face

Fact.

A leopard can't change its spots.

Feb. 20th, 2012

My face

House hunting and whatnot.

Mike is, hopefully, going to go to the bank today (like he said he would) to look into possibly getting a home loan. We have a long list of houses in the area we would like to look at, and look into buying. We're tired of living in an apartment and we're tired of not having a place that's our own. I can't wait. Knowing him, though, he will get home from class and not want to do shit. Sigh.

Feb. 19th, 2012

My face

Get back, get down.

Warning: a rant is about to come.

I'm tired. All the fucking time. And I'm so fucking unmotivated. I haven't been feeling like myself and I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of living in this apartment in the same house as an inconsiderate asshole who lets his friends smoke in the goddamn hallway. Mike and I are supposed to be looking into getting a house and he's being lazy, as always, and not doing his part in that. And he's starting a stupid business that I don't support because I think it's going to fail and then I'll have to deal with that. And I keep thinking about the miscarriage and how I had so many fucking plans this summer and they've all gone to hell. And how my mom wants to take Mike and I to Europe, and he refuses to go. I miss Sunday night dinners with my grandparents and I miss when my mom could come visit me almost anytime she wanted. I'm so done with school, it's not even funny. I'm pissed off every time one of these stupid Republicans pops up on YouTube, or in an article, or on TV, and says something so fucking stupid. What the actual fuck is wrong with the people in our country? I'm constantly worrying and I don't know what the hell to do with these thoughts and I just... hate everything right now.

On the plus side, I did fix my brakes today, mostly by myself. So there's that? (It honestly made me really happy to do work on my car. It was so fucking satisfying.)

Okay. Rant over. Sorry.

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