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I'm having a baby.

For anyone who reads this who doesn't know me in real life or isn't on my Facebook or just stalks my journal or whatever, I'm pregnant. And it's been a long road to get to a place where I'm finally okay with it.

Warning: this is long.

This is definitely, without question, the most difficult thing that Mike and I have had to deal with in our relationship. It certainly wasn't planned; I've been on birth control for three years, and up until now, I haven't had any problems, with the exception of what I think may have been a miscarriage in January, but my doctor didn't seem concerned by it. Up until I found out I was pregnant, I was still taking my pill. Yes, I missed a period, but I didn't think anything of it; I figured it was the post-grad stress of trying to find a job. All the other symptoms are what prompted me to take a pregnancy test in the first place, and even when I bought it, I still didn't believe I was pregnant.

There were a lot of tears in the beginning. The day that I found out, I cried most of the morning before I finally fell asleep for a good chunk of the afternoon. Mike came home from work in the evening, and I told him then. At the time, he was supportive, and he told me I had a decision to make and that he'd be there for me no matter what. I didn't know what I wanted at the time. Having a baby requires a lot of time, energy, and money - could I handle that? I began to think that maybe abortion was the best option. It would allow Mike to finish school without having to worry about taking care of a child, and I could continue focusing on trying to find a job relevant to my degree. Everything would be fine. Life as we knew it would go on.

However, the longer I waited, the less likely I knew I would be to actually follow through with the abortion. And, after a week or so, I started to realize I didn't want one after all, but I had no idea how to tell him that. Eventually, after a bit of an argument we had the day before my birthday earlier this month, I broke down and told him I would have the abortion, only because he wanted me to. Despite the fact that he had been so supportive before, by then, he was trying to push me into getting rid of it. I visited Planned Parenthood later that week for "options counseling," but I didn't feel like the woman I spoke with really helped me with my decision-making. She suggested I talk to my mom, who had no idea at that point, so I texted her when I got home, asking her to call me when she had a few minutes to talk. Getting it off my chest was such a relief, and she was incredibly supportive. She asked me what I wanted to do, and my first reaction, without even thinking about it, was to say, "I want to keep the baby." It was the first time I'd ever really voice what I wanted since I found out I was pregnant.

Telling Mike was difficult. He ended up drinking a bottle of wine and passing out that evening. He didn't get any better over the next few weeks. He went to my first doctor's appointment with me, which was two weeks ago, and he had a hard time dealing with everything. The ultrasound didn't seem to push him in the right direction, either. If anything, it just freaked him out even more. We argued more during those couple of weeks than we had in a long time.

We talked about it a lot, about how it would be once I have the baby. Eventually, he started to come around to the idea. Now, he's actually pretty excited about it. He says it will be a push in the right direction - this is the motivation he needs to finish school. Much to his parents' dismay, we have no plans currently to get married. We've been together almost four years already, and while the topic of marriage has come up in the past, we don't really feel the need to rush it, even now. If we're committed to each other, it really doesn't matter whether we have a piece of paper from the state tying us together or not. Besides, being married is no guarantee that we'll stay together anyway; marriage is never permanent. Not really.

My family - including my mom's boyfriend - has been amazing. They've been so supportive the last few weeks, which has been nice because Mike's family is basically devastated by the news. They're too wrapped up in the fact that Mike still has classes left to take, not to mention his law school plans, and they think we need to get married as soon as possible.

But we're happy. Both of us. Finally. This isn't the life I planned on having, but it's what I've been given, and I'm thankful for every moment.


You should name it after me!
If only I had a dollar every time I've heard that in the last few weeks. ;)

I can't even think about names yet! I'm not even sure it's totally set in, and I'm almost at the twelve week mark. oaiehgoihdoihaeg haha
My face

April 2014

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